According to The OCM, a leading coaching firm who works with clients across all sectors, tricky conversations could be around performance discussions with a line report, salary increases, giving a peer confronting feedback or challenging a superior on a decision.
Jon Horsley, Consultant Coach-Mentor for The OCM highlights the need to steer challenging conversations effectively in order for teams and individuals to perform better, and how coaching skills can help. Here he shares his top tips to ensure more positive conversation outcomes:
1. Be prepared - The idea of ‘being prepared rather than having prepared’ is helpful. Preparation involves entering the conversation with the right mind set. The Human Systems Dynamics Institute[ii] suggests shifting from judgement to curiosity; turning assumptions into questions; defensiveness into self-reflection and moving conflict into a shared enquiry from both parties.
2. Acknowledge emotions - All challenging conversations are fundamentally about feelings, so it’s important to acknowledge what’s going on emotionally, and create a little distance between who we are and what we’re feeling. For example, explore the difference between ‘I am angry’ and ‘I am feeling angry’. It can also be helpful to understand that, whilst thoughts and feelings come and go like the weather, our values are the bedrock from which we can choose to act.
3. Focus on interests, not positions - It’s sometimes said that all conflict is the encounter of unmet needs. Consider reframing the upcoming challenging conversation as an exploration of underlying interests and needs, fostering empathy and collaboration around how they can be met. Seeking to defend a position may be understandable in the heat of the moment, but if winning means the other person losing, or vice versa, there will be very little room for compromise.
4. Disentangle intentions and impact - One of the common causes of misunderstanding, confusion, and conflict in challenging conversations arises from the assumption that we know the other person’s intentions. We attribute their intentions based on their impact on us. Feeling hurt by what someone has said or done, can lead people to assuming that the person intended to hurt them. Focus on actions instead and what the other party actually said or did. Be clear on the impact this had and reflect on the assumptions made about the other person’s intention.
5. Work on assertive communication - Clarity about impact, intentions and needs requires clear, concise and assertive communication. Don’t downplay what is important to you; take ownership by using a strong personal “I” rather than a vague “we” or “you” and make explicit requests. Framing intention from the outset and not beating about the bush concerning the purpose of the conversation is the best approach.
6. Work with a coach or colleague - Practice technique and tone with a coach or colleague to get a feel for what having a challenging conversation actually feels like. This can help prepare for the conversation to come and perhaps dispel the fear that the relationship with the other person will be irreparably damaged by it.
Jon concludes, “Coaching skills can be hugely valuable for successful conversations. The core skills of coaching - active listening, asking effective questions and providing feedback or reflecting back what you have heard, are all useful in effectively navigating challenging conversations.”